I sipped ice cold water and stifled a laugh as I heard the woman three lounge chairs down go from conversational with her friend to straight up shrill momster in a split second. It was the most seamless almost split-personality-worthy transition I’d ever witnessed: “Yeah, so the accent pillows don’t really match the artwork but, you know, I – JACKSON!!! JACKSON! What are you drinking?! Did you just drink out of that random cup? That’s someone else’s and has probably been there since last night! What was in there?!” This woman had just watched her 7ish year old son, evidently named Jackson, pick up a cup on the other side of the pool deck and throw back its mystery contents. My best bet is piss warm beer and rain water ornamented with a few dead mosquitos. The friend she was sitting with remained completely unruffled and said to her in the most dry, monotone voice I’ve maybe ever heard, “Don’t worry, I one time found a bone in Emmy’s mouth.”
What?! I have so many questions! Chicken wing? Rib? Was it honey garlic? Anyway, you can’t make this shit up. It was hands down the most hilarious event and exchange I’d witnessed in a while. But how often does this happen? All the time. And by “this,” yes, I mean a child drinking or eating something random but more so this deadpan type of exchange between moms and the way we can switch from calm adult conversation to psycho mom and back in .001 seconds. The stuff we moms see daily, while perhaps shocking to someone not boobs deep in momhood, usually rolls right off our backs. Yet the odd thing timed just right and if it’s just disgusting or brutal enough – like Jackson chugging his first beer – can send us completely into momster mode.
A couple of months ago I watched VP, my 2.5 year old, sprint full tilt up to his then-4-month-old brother GC with a bat held overhead and come down hard, nailing him right in the forehead. Yeah, I totally lost it and hulked out into a momster, as I’m sure most would do. Thank GOD the bat was one of those plastic ones with some padding around the outside. But still. (And that bat was a gift, btw. Shout out to Cheryl & Carlos! LOL.) Despite the crazy things I’ve seen VP do, there’s no way I could stay calm over that.
What I’m saying is, something has to be pretty nuts to shock a mom. Especially when you’re dealing in multiples. The first child is always different… THEN: I’d get squirmy and protest a little if I saw VP as an infant eat something the dog just licked (I still didn’t usually stop it from happening. Germs are good, right?). NOW: The other day I picked popcorn up off of the shag area rug, saw it was covered in some rug fibers and maybe a dog hair, and just put it back in my son’s bowl. Was I slacking off? Maybe, but I like to think I just pick my battles. If I’d taken those four precious kernels away I’d have witnessed a meltdown. Meltdown averted. Totally worth the germs.
But I digress. Moms, I encourage you to embrace your inner momster. Don’t feel ashamed or embarassed when she comes out. You know it’s warranted! And if some d-bag with no kids shoots you a dirty for going ape shit when your son swigs from a random cup, feel free to let your inner momster loose on him too.