As soon as you’re noticeably showing (sometimes before *sigh*) people will start bombarding you with their useless pregnancy and postnatal pseudo-advice. “Store up on sleep now, because you won’t get any soon!” or “Put your feet up – are you sure you’re not having two?” *Insert flipping the bird emoji here.*
When I was pregnant I was super lucky that some close girlfriends already had kids. I got great, real truths from them. The down and dirty stuff… The stuff you wonder but don’t always ask someone else about unless they’re the type of friend who’s seen you in the most disgusting and compromising positions. Wellp, I’m about to be that girl for you. Here are some pre- and postnatal TRUTHS (not advice) based solely on my MY experience and that of my super-bad close friends and family members. Yep, it’s subjective as hell so keep that in mind.
- You can slather yourself in coconut oil or lather that belly up with magical anti-stretch-mark serum like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving but usually, if you’re going to get stretch marks, you’re going to get stretch marks so don’t beat yourself up about it. I have friends who’ve been nothing less than diligent about anti-stretch-mark rituals and they’ve still gotten them. I think it’s predestined and written in the genetic stars. By all means, lube up (I did for peace of mind) – it can’t hurt! Oh, and great news: stretch marks do fade and you’re still a babe, with or without them. Plus they’re war wounds. I suggest wearing them proudly.
- You can’t stock up on sleep, obviously. Those comments are just the worst, and you may not realize it until you’re so delirious you’re not sure if you’re awake or dreaming at 3am feedings. At which point you may think back on said comments and want to throat punch. If you had the energy.
- Sleep becomes the new currency. Whereas perhaps sex or food was before, it now
all revolves around sleep. You’ll do anything for it. You’ll beg, you’ll barter and bargain, you’ll negotiate with God and your partner. When you get it, you’ll savour it in all its glory. I was known to crawl into bed moaning in pure unfiltered bliss.
- After you have your baby you will feel SO. SKINNY. LOL. Even with a chubby, wiggly new, days-old mummy tummy it will feel fantastic just to be able to see your toes again for the first time in months.
- If you want pain numbing drugs, make sure you ask in time because those Greek gods we call anesthesiologists (they will look like Greek gods when they arrive) are in demand. It may feel like an eternity before they arrive with your sweet sweet drugs. I could’ve proposed marriage to my anesthesiologist when he showed up at 8cm dilated with Gunnar. DC would’ve found that inappropriate so I restrained myself.
- If you’re going au naturel at home or drug free in hospital, power to you! Some people will act horrified when you tell them. They can shut it and chill.
- You could very well poop when you deliver. I know, I know. You’re all freaked out about it. By the time you’re ready to push that baby out and you’ve got anywhere from 2-5 people staring at your hooha and cheering you on, your ability to feel shame will be ZILCH. Plus if you do poop yourself, the birthing staff will be so gracious they’ll act like you didn’t. When you ask them point blank out of morbid curiosity, like I did? They’ll lie and say they don’t recall.
- Nurses are A-MAZING. Seriously… I’ve never met a nurse I didn’t love. You should be nice to yours because I’ve found A) they deserve it and B) they will in turn take even better care of you, physically and emotionally.
If you’re a stomach sleeper, the first time you do that again after having your babe will be BLISS. I felt like I could melt into that hard hospital bed as if I was sleeping in a 5 star hotel.
- You will want to eat your baby. Not literally. But you’ll want to knaw on every tiny sausage toe and finger because they’re so damn deliciously, adorably, insatiably cute.
- Wine will either taste like little droplets of heaven or gasoline when you finally have a glass again. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground.
- When you get the flu now, no one cares. Empathy? What’s that? Your kid truly couldn’t care less, that’s for sure. That ruthless little mother lover will be all over you as per usual; there are no days off when you’re clocking that 24/7 mom gig. And we all know once you’re sick your partner is sure to follow. It’ll be a battle for who has to army crawl to the crib for diaper changes and who gets to stay in bed wallowing in self pity.
- If you ever get a nanny or sitter there will come a day when you text your friends asking if you should hire the hot one with all the credentials. If these friends are any good at all they will look her up on Facebook or Instagram, examine every available photograph, then very truthfully tell you you’re way hotter and to go for it. Rocket nannies need jobs too.
- You will at some point think your baby is a self involved jerk and assume they got that trait from your partner. No, it doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a human mom. A human mom desperate for sleep.
- The first time you exercise postpartum you WILL feel like an uncoordinated, frumpy, exhausted, confused, discombobulated, jelly-bones mess. It’s seriously a new normal but it’ll get better and you’ll feel back to your old self after enough time passes. Maybe even better… Crazier things have happened!